Why does my partnership suck?

Why Does My Partnership Suck? Common Relationship Issues Couples Face in Early Parenting 

The daily stresses of co-parenting are not talked about enough. The stress, overwhelm, and sleep deprivation can bring out the worst in your relationship. Even if you’ve made it past the baby stage without much tension, there are toddler meltdowns, sibling negotiations, and school decisions ahead that can put an emotional strain on your partnership. 

If you feel like you’re constantly bickering, arguing, or not getting along with your spouse you’re not alone. Relationship strain is very common now that your attention is divided by the addition to your family. 

When bringing home a baby you might have known there would be some big things to negotiate with your partner: finances, sex, careers. Little did you realize that small details of daily life with a young family can be cause for volatile feelings, major decision-making, and big disagreements. 

We asked Baby Booty Moms to share their struggles with their partnership. Here’s a bit of support to say, you’re not alone, and this is really hard sometimes. 

**Quick note that this post assumes that the default parent is Mom. While this is the experience of many families, it’s not the only version of a partnership. Same sex couples may share responsibilities differently than stated here, and some Dads take on the role of default parent. Most instances of “he” in this post refer to the non-default parent, but can be swapped for whatever name or pronoun is used in your house. 

The Weight of the Mental Load 

There is almost always one default parent who bears the weight of the mental load of childcare. It’s a full time job keeping track of doctors appointments, diapers that fit, developmental needs, age-appropriate food, laundry, daycare supplies, and more. The list is endless when you’re responsible for another person’s well being, and so often it all falls to one parent alone. 

Here’s what Baby Booty Moms have to say about being the default parent: 

“My partner expects me to do it all and take care of myself. He says I don’t try, I don’t look put together.” 

“He wonders why I don’t ask for help. But when I do he says that it’s not that hard, which is so demeaning.”

“He has the audacity to bark at me that I’m running three minutes late. But he didn’t lift a finger to get any of our three kids ready—diaper changes, going potty, packed snacks, car activities, bags packed, looking up directions.”  

“It’s an unspoken rule that I’m the primary parent. Plus I work, it’s just a lot sometimes.” 

“It feels like I have to ask permission to do anything without the kids, like he’s babysitting.” 

"He needs constant words of affirmation. Always pointing out that I don't appreciate what he does do and only notice what he doesn’t do. But, I don’t see any medals being handed out to me either." 

“He tells me, ‘Just make a list of some things, I’ll help out.’ But by the time I’ve followed up with him about the things on HIS list, I’d have it all done by then.” 

Some ideas for how to divide up the mental load: 

• Clearly define roles and responsibilities. Base roles on each parent's strengths. 

• Be flexible and willing to adjust roles based on changing circumstances. If your job changes, communicate what responsibilities may need to shift. 

• Clear communication is key, especially if you are feeling depleted, overworked, or like you’re taking on the other parent’s responsibilities. 

Intimacy Just Isn’t the Same

When you don’t feel your best, it’s hard to want physical intimacy. Whether you’re overtired from night wake-ups, overworked from juggling a career and kids, or lacking self confidence because your body doesn’t feel like your own, there are so many reasons moms aren’t interested in physical intimacy. That’s okay. You are not alone. 

Here’s what Baby Booty Moms say about intimacy after kids: 

“There’s honestly just not a lot of time for sex. Somehow I feel like that fact is lost on him.”

“Sleepless nights, days without showers, constipation, and feeling touched out—nothing about the early phases of parenthood makes you feel sexy, so it’s especially hard to connect on an intimate level when you feel anything but.” 

“He wants to cuddle on the couch after the kids are asleep. But if I don’t spend at least a few minutes tidying up, I end up with double duty the next day.” 

"Sometimes I'm just touched out and he doesn't understand that so there's clearly a disconnect."

“I’d love physical touch—a hug or a quick shoulder rub—but I wish he would get the hint that every hug is going to lead to more. That’s just not where we’re at right now.” 

“I wish he could understand what it felt like to have milk spray out of your boobs when you get excited. Like, it’s really not putting me in the mood, ya know.” 

Ideas for keeping a bit of romance in your relationship: 

• Be clear about the types of intimacy that do feel good. 

• Plan a date when you can, even just looking forward to it can be a point of connection and fun. 

• Make a point to say kind things to your partner in front of your kids and also when you’re alone. 

• Seek out couples therapy. Even if you feel things are going well, it’s a time and place that’s just for the two of you to nurture your relationship. 

No Longer See Eye-to-Eye 

Co-parenting can feel difficult because you all-of-a-sudden need to make decisions for another being. Parenting styles can be talked about ad nauseum before your baby arrives, but until you and your co-parent are both exhausted, depleted, hangry, and staring at a child melting down about watching more Bluey, you have no idea how you’ll handle those small daily situations. 

Partnership is in the details. No prenatal class will prepare your relationship for the daily details of bringing up a baby that seems so small, but can quickly turn into a fight with your partner. How warm to dress your baby for a walk. Whether those cooked carrots are cut small or large enough to prevent choking. Who does what in the 15 minute shuffle before you all pile into the car. 

Here’s what Baby Booty Moms struggle with: 

“Before it seemed like you agreed on everything, now you can’t even agree on whether your burp cloths should be washed in hot or cold water. Shifting power dynamics, unrealized expectations, and daily demands make for countless opportunities to disagree, and those disagreements turn into fights.” 

“The decisions you’re making are no longer just about you and your partner—you’re suddenly dividing time with a baby, and the baby never says, ‘Thanks, I’ve had enough.’”

“He thinks that just because he makes most of the money that he gets a pass at parenting.” 

Ideas for meeting more common ground: 

• Prioritize. Decide if this argument is a deal-breaker to you. If not, move on and save your energy for the issues that really matter to you. 

• Speak your true feelings first. If you can name that you’re  scared your baby might choke, it’ll help your partner see your feelings and not just feel nagged or corrected. 

• Talk about it separately. Your kids don’t always need to hear you argue over this and that, try to carve out time to have conversations away from your kids when possible.