Strategies to Navigate a Nagging, Negative, or Overly Opinionated Mother-in-Law
No matter your feelings toward your Mother-in-law (whether you love her, like her, or merely tolerate her existence), if you are a new mom it’s likely that your MIL is driving you crazy. And you’re not the only one. It is a fraught relationship no matter what.
Having kids can bring out another side to your relationship with your MIL, one that may not feel particularly easy or comforting. There are so many expectations, pressures, and big feelings that will come up for both of you.
We asked Baby Booty moms what gets on their nerves the most when dealing with their MIL. Here’s what they said and a few tips to navigate these icky vibes.
Added Pressure, Advice, and Opinions
“Her constant suggestions can make me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“She asks so many leading, fear-based questions about my kids. ‘Shouldn’t they be in swim lessons?’ ‘Is that outfit warm enough for our walk?’ ‘Isn’t sugar bad if they’re sick?’ Parenting is hard enough, I don’t need any more anxiety about things that I previously felt confident about.”
“She makes so many comments about bodies. I’m so afraid her comments will make my child self conscious of herself or critical of others. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not how I want to raise my child.”
You’re sleep deprived, unshowered, and running on empty. Getting a steady stream of suggestions about how to care for your little one(s) is sure to make any new mom burst into tears or lash out with mom-rage.
What to do about added pressure or opinions from your MIL.
Trust your gut and hold your ground. If her suggestions are merely suggestions that you just don’t like or don’t want, let them roll off your back. Keep your cool about it and proceed with what you think is best. A simple statement can go a long way: “Thanks for your suggestion, I’m confident that this is the right choice for us right now.”
Tell her what you prefer. If the problem seems bigger than a few comments, or you don’t think you can keep your cool anymore, confront her about it in a calm way. Take her out to lunch, or give her a call. Be simple, direct, and concise. “I love your attention to our family, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure from your suggestions. I really need empowering comments rather than corrections right now.” She’s a mom too and she might really understand from experience.
Limit the one-on-one time. While it’s probably not always a great plan to put your husband in the middle of it, you may need to make sure there’s always another neutral party around when you are with your MIL. If she’s really getting under your skin, having another adult in the mix can help disarm any tension or negativity.
Unsolicited Gifts and Missing the Point Completely
“She flat out doesn’t listen. It feels so disrespectful! We ask for no toys for Christmas yet she gives over 20 things.”
"Every time my MIL comes over she brings gifts. I've had the conversation numerous times that it's too much, but she doesn't listen. It's all my child expects now."
"Passive aggressive comments about when she is 'allowed' to see my baby is infuriating."
“She has such outdated information on parenting—bumpers in the crib, blankets in crib—I’m tired of telling her her suggestions are not safe.“
When you are managing all of the things, having any unsolicited intervention from your MIL can feel like being asked to hold a chainsaw while juggling 10 tennis balls. Remember, it likely comes from a good place. Keep it cool and pick your battles.
How to navigate unsolicited advice and obliviousness from your MIL.
Express gratitude. Regardless of your preferences, a small dose of appreciation can help maintain a positive atmosphere. You can express gratitude without reinforcing her behavior. Stick with phrases like “I can tell you are always thinking about our kids and trying to do what’s best for them” or “Our kids look forward to your visits so much, they love spending time with their Granny!”
Reinforce a clear boundary. Establish your preferences clearly, gently, and consistently. Stick with the facts and limit any talk of feelings or blame. You may have to state your preferences many times for them to sink in. Remember that changing habits can take time. Be patient with your MIL as she adjusts to your preferences.
Offer alternatives or consider a compromise. If your mother-in-law continues to bring presents or offer her opinions despite being told it’s not welcome, consider finding a middle ground that works for both parties. Suggest that quality time together resonates more with your child in the long run. Share your favorite parenting books or Instagram handles with her—it may help to get on the same page.
Entitlement and Grandparenting HER Way
“She asks my child to give her kisses and hugs when it’s clear he doesn’t want that. It really sends me.”
“I will never taunt or tease my child for not smiling. I will never mock my child’s emotions and reactions when they aren’t happy ones.”
“She ignores my feedback and preferences. She always prioritizes her own wants, needs, and agenda above everyone else’s.”
“She never calls and then expects our kids to know who she is! When she does call or text she doesn’t ask anything about the kids, she only says they’re cute. She knows nothing about them.”
Some grandparents seem to think they get to set the rules when they are around. It can be frustrating and feel incredibly undermining. Unless there is true harm or abuse happening, it may not be your place to step in or interfere every single time she says something you don’t agree with.
While it is hard to hold your tongue, hopefully she’s a thoughtful and loving person who might just have a different way of showing that. It can be a good thing to let your kids see adults who make different choices. In time they will be able to see real-time outcomes for choices others make, and assess for themselves what feels good or not.
Ways to stay sane around an entitled MIL.
Model the behavior you want your children to see. Regardless of whether her choices reflect your preferences or not, the best thing to do is clearly model the behavior you'd like your children to do. When she seems to miss the point completely, you’ll have a great opportunity to model setting boundaries with compassion.
Talk to your kids about the experience. Without bad-mouthing your MIL or saying negative things behind her back, use the experience to help your kids feel empowered to assert their needs.
Talk to her about it. If there’s a specific way your MIL tries to run the show, make it clear to her that it’s not welcome. Use neutral language to bring it to her attention. “Would you be open to feedback about your grandparenting style?” “I don’t think your approach is getting the outcome you want, can I offer what might work better?”
Don’t let your mother- or monster-in-law get you down. If you’re feeling stressed, annoyed, or unsure about your relationship with your MIL, you can always come to a Baby Booty class and vent about it or join our Group Therapy Parenting Chats with Perinatal Therapist, Julia Natale LCSW starting Tuesdays in March 10:30 am!
