Confronting the Stigma of Pregnancy Loss: Insights + Resources
Miscarriages are surprisingly common, yet so many women suffer in silence. They can bring up deep feelings of isolation and guilt. Statistically 1 in 3 women will have a miscarriage in her life.
Motherhood is hard enough, pregnancy loss shouldn’t be something that we hide from each other or suffer through alone. A few Baby Booty members shared their stories with us in hopes of helping other women know that they aren’t alone.
Miscarriage Facts and Myths Debunked
10% to 20% of women with a medically confirmed pregnancy will end in miscarriage
8 out of 10 miscarriages occur during the first trimester
50% of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal anomalies or issues with implantation
Approximately 1 in every 160 pregnancies results in stillbirth
Having a miscarriage doesn’t mean you’ll have more
Women who have experienced one miscarriage have a good chance of having a successful pregnancy in the future
Pregnancy loss can occur at any age
5% of women experience multiple pregnancy losses
All pregnancy loss results in postpartum symptoms, no matter the gestational age
Support groups and counseling can help individuals cope with the emotional aftermath of pregnancy loss
Pregnancy loss can have emotional and psychological impacts on women and their partners
Recurrent pregnancy loss, defined as three or more consecutive miscarriages, affects about 1-2% of couples
Different Types of Pregnancy Loss
There are many types of pregnancy loss, each has unique characteristics.
Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss. It is the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. Miscarriages can occur for various reasons, including genetic abnormalities, hormonal imbalances, or problems with the uterus or cervix.
Ectopic pregnancy can be a painful pregnancy complication that is potentially life-threatening to the mom. It occurs when a fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus. Ectopic pregnancies are not viable—they occur in about 1-2% of all pregnancies and require immediate medical intervention.
Molar pregnancy is very rare and occurs when there is an abnormal growth of cells in the uterus. This abnormal growth can lead to the formation of a tumor instead of a developing fetus. Molar pregnancies are typically detected through ultrasound and require medical intervention to remove the abnormal tissue. Although this usually results in a pregnancy loss, this type of pregnancy complication is not usually a health risk for mom.
Stillbirth is late-term pregnancy loss and refers to the loss of the baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy but before delivery. Leading causes include infections, placental problems, or maternal health issues. Having a stillbirth can be emotionally and physically challenging. Medical support is critical.
It is important to note that most pregnancy losses are not caused by anything the mother did or did not do, and they are often a result of factors beyond her control.
“Although my journey to motherhood was not an easy one, I think it has made me love more fiercely and heightened my feelings of gratitude. I have also realized that no matter how your journey looks when becoming a parent, there will always be bumps in the road. Women are strong, families are strong. Those hurdles often show you the people who are your true support system.” —Mom of one daughter, four miscarriages
Not All Miscarriages Look the Same
Any woman who has had more than one miscarriage will tell you that they are not all the same.
Some losses, especially those very early in pregnancy are more comparable to a very heavy period. There may be bleeding, minimal tissue discharge, and little to no cramping. It’s also possible to have a miscarriage with no symptoms.
While some women may experience light symptoms, early loss doesn’t mean it’s easy. If the miscarriage is incomplete (meaning tissue still remains in the uterus) medical attention is needed to help move the miscarriage along. Women are often given prescription medicine that stimulates your body to push the fetus and tissue out. This means your body will go into a version of labor—you may have painful cramps and other symptoms often experienced in labor like vomiting, pain, fatigue, and more.
Many women are sent home with these medications and told to take some over-the-counter pain relief to endure the miscarriage at home. It can feel isolating and uncomfortable. Along with labor symptoms, they can experience heavy bleeding and emotional swings. It can take weeks to physically heal. Some women say that the pain and suffering of a mid-term miscarriage is worse than the active labor of a full term baby.
When planning to get pregnant it’s so important to seek out healthcare that will take care of them in good times and through difficult times.
The Truth About Miscarriage Grief
Science tells us that in the early stages of pregnancy you have an embryo, not yet a fetus, or baby. But if your pregnancy is wanted, after you see a positive test you've already pictured a future for your little one.
At any stage, your grief is real, it is valid. You are allowed to grieve the loss of that baby. You have permission to heal in whatever way works for you.
Women often aren't given the time they need to physically heal and grieve. Many people feel like they shouldn't take time off work because the loss did not produce a child. But just like laboring a full term baby, the healing process can be so much slower both physically and emotionally if true healing time isn’t taken, or given.
“The guilt after my first loss was immense. I spent so much time thinking about what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Was there something I ate? Was it COVID? Stress from work? Statistics kept me grounded. I ended up finding out (after I had my daughter) that I have a genetic disorder that increases the likelihood of miscarriage. It definitely helped ease my feelings of guilt.” —Mom of one, multiple miscarriages
Many women suffer in silence, they may feel they have to put on a happy face when they are managing huge hormonal shifts and complex feelings on the inside.
Friends, family, coworkers and neighbors may not know how to console you after a miscarriage. It’s a taboo subject for some. You may be put in the position to listen to others tell about their story which can make it feel like your experience is invalidated.
It may take you a long time to tell others and that’s okay. Start small. Tell the people you trust will give you unconditional love and comfort. It’s so important to seek out help and support. Therapy, grief counseling, non-judgemental friends, and pregnancy loss support groups can help. This is all true for your partner too.
All Baby Booty classes include a social circle.
Guilt and Wondering Why
It is unfortunately common with pregnancy loss to have intrusive thoughts of guilt that you did something wrong. You may wonder why it happened. It’s natural with any trauma to feel like you did something to cause it.
You did not cause your miscarriage.
Just as the physical symptoms of pregnancy loss can vary widely, so can the emotions. The hormonal shifts in pregnancy and postpartum are not to be diminished.
“There were some really dark days, when I just needed to be alone with my grief. It felt like even the best movie writer wouldn’t have written my life to be that fucked up. Years later it’s still hard to wrap my head around how all of this happened to me.” —Mom of three boys, stillbirth at 40 weeks, a first trimester miscarriage
Find the places you feel nourished. Seek out nature. Take quiet walks. Journal. Watch trashy TV. Take yourself out to a movie. Visit a safe friend. Read. Go for long drives. Seek physical healing like yoga, acupuncture, or massage. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to rest and process the experience however, it makes sense to you.
When Should You Try Again?
It is not possible to predict when you will be fertile again after a miscarriage, but for many, it's very soon. Some people will resume ovulating in as little as two weeks after a miscarriage, whereas others may find themselves waiting up to three months before normal menstrual cycles resume. It’s a good idea to use protection until you are ready to get pregnant again.
Emotionally it may take you a long time to want to try again. Many women feel deep jealousy and depression at the thought of other women getting pregnant. The sight of babies or young children might bring up anger, rage, jealousy, sadness, or grief. These feelings are important to consider and nurture. It may be healthy to turn off social media for a while and limit your interaction with any young children or babies in your life. Holding safe boundaries is the emotional equivalent of resting to allow your body to heal.
Depending on how far along your loss happened, you may never stop thinking about the baby you lost. That’s okay. They can have a place in your heart and your family forever in whatever way works for you. The opposite is also true, if you experience a pregnancy loss and don’t feel particularly connected to it, that’s valid too.
Local Resources for Pregnancy Loss & Bereavement
If you have experienced any type of pregnancy loss, seek support and comfort. Sharing your experience can help you move through your feelings and cope with the difficult parts.
Here are some resources to seek out.
Why we need to talk about losing a baby. World Health Organization
Postpartum Support International
Support & Mental Health Providers in Maine:
Postpartum Support International- Maine
Support & Mental Health Providers in MA:
Here’s a list of some other MA support groups